Letters to Others: Asking for Boundaries and the Reactions I Didn’t Expect
Dear Rambler,
Sometimes, the hardest conversations are the ones you don’t get to have in person. After months of unresolved feelings and nonencounters with ex-roommate and highschool best friend, I decided to write letters to set boundaries and express myself. What started as a therapeutic exercise turned into an emotional rollercoaster filled with surprising reactions, self-discovery, and lessons in human connection.
Why I Decided to Write Letters
Living with people or maintaining close friendships can blur the lines of personal space and emotional boundaries. Over time, I realized I was holding onto resentment and discomfort because I never addressed the little things that bothered me—like mismatched expectations and emotional overdependence.
I had moved in with a friend that I knew since middle school and lived with them for over three years. However, towards the end of the last year, I could no longer afford it and let them know eight months in advance that I was going to be moving out. At first, that roommate was taken aback and asked very annoyedly why? I informed them because I can no longer afford it and would like to save my money. The more they thought about it, the wiser they became about my decision, and agreed that they would do it too if they had not trapped themselves with an abundance of animals. However, the closer and closer it got to my move out date, that is when the tension and stress happened. That rommate came out one day and informed me that it was my job to find a roommate to replace me. I disagreed and informed them that I gave them plenty of time in advance to start looking. I also informed them that with the people I reached out to, they were either moving back in with their parents, staying with their lease, or not comfortable with living with them as they did not know my roommate that well. Long story short, I moved out a lot earlier then expected due to getting in a car accident. Time passed and the same roommate kept hitting me up to hang out, but I was not interested as I wanted a bit of a break from everything and three years of trauma will do that.
Face-to-face conversations seemed daunting, especially after we’d already drifted apart. That’s when I turned to letter-writing. Writing gave me the time and space to craft my thoughts carefully, and I hoped it would give them the same space to process.
With my highschool best friend, we had been friends for eight years, however the last year we drifted a part terribly. I got notification that they were not doing well mentally and physically and were working on getting better. Then they got a new boyfriend and that is when they really went awall. They stopped posting to social media, would not return texts or calls, and even stopped reaching out. I got tired of it and stopped reaching out to them as well, because if they did not want to put in the effort, then I was not going to either.
What I Wrote
Each letter had three parts:
Apology for my actions
I started by acknowledging my actions from the past with an apology.- Example: “I apologize for any burden I put upon you that was in my own my fault and blaming you for no reason."
Honest Expression of My Feelings
Next, I shared my concerns and how certain situations had affected me.- Example: “When I was there for you for relationship issues, those feelings were not reciprocated back for me when I was in the same situation."
Setting Boundaries
I ended by explaining what I needed moving forward.- Example: “I hope you are able to respect my boundaries for both my welfare and mental health."
The Reactions
I mailed out two letters, and each response was a lesson in the complexity of relationships:
The Silent Treatment
The roommate didn’t respond at all. At first, I felt crushed, but later I realized their silence was an answer in itself—they weren’t ready to engage, and that was okay. I had a feeling that they had received my letter after they had stopped liking my posts on social media, but would continue to like and comment on other peoples. I sent them a Merry Christmas text and did not receive a response. I thought it was a strange reaction, but that may have been their own way of coping. Then one day out of the blue, they liked one of my posts and I am assuming it is positive to assume they have respected my boundaries.Defensiveness
The other response was from my highschool best friend. I get a text message that they have received my letter. I informed them that if they would like to discuss it more, then we can meet in person. They ignored my message and asked why it has not been brought up before. I then repeated my self that if they would like to discuss more, then we can meet in person. It did not feel that they were respecting myself and my boundaries, so I ended up dropping her. I have not heard from them since.
What I Learned
Writing these letters was both empowering and humbling. I learned that:
- Not everyone will understand or respect your boundaries, and that’s not your responsibility to fix.
- Some relationships can heal if both parties are willing to listen and grow.
- Setting boundaries is a form of self-care that helps you move forward, whether the relationship continues or ends.
Conclusion
Mailing those letters wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. It allowed me to release pent-up emotions, reclaim my voice, and create space for healthier relationships in the future.
If you’ve been considering writing a letter to someone in your life, my advice is simple: do it. Write from a place of honesty and kindness, and be prepared for any outcome. Sometimes, the act of writing is more healing than the response itself.
Have you ever had to set boundaries with someone from your past? How did they react? I’d love to hear your stories in the comments.
Ramblings and Revelations
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